She Wanted Him Dead

Today I am publishing a testimony by Betty (not her real name). She prefers to remain anonymous because of the subject content and maybe she thinks if people knew who she was there might be a little bit of judgement or shock. The content is very sensitive and is not for children. Our God is powerful and loving and full of grace and I urge you to call on that same grace  as you read this post.


She had become a shadow of herself. She had given herself away to please him. Who was she? What should she do?  She had lost her desire to live. Having been awakened by the shrill sound of what could only be described as someone’s heart breaking; in a fog of denial she realized her worst fear had finally come true. Her husband had been caught in the act, with his best friend’s wife by his best friend!

 She had been asleep in the other room, having tried to stay awake but losing the battle. Before going to bed she checked her gun and it was loaded. She walked over to the chest of drawers opened the gun case, pulled out the 9mm pistol and removed its clip counted the bullets, reinserted it and turned off the safety. They were right across the hall in the den; she knew they wouldn’t be able to resist each other. She could see the deceit in their eyes, feel the intimate tension between them. But they wouldn’t get away with it this time… She would pick up her gun on the way into the other room and destroy them in the act; like they had destroyed her.

 She had become consumed with thoughts of what he was doing to her, to their marriage.  Many days when he came home he smelled like her.  He’d have that smug look of satisfaction on his face. She felt sure he wanted the other woman.  He had changed, his kisses and every intimate thing between them was different.  Where was the man she had married?

 She was going to make them pay, and destroy them like they had destroyed her by taking their lives.  Police would call it a crime of passion, and temporary insanity was going to be her plea. Since she had lost his love, she considered it worth the risk. 

 But fate (God) went another way that night and instead his best friend caught them. She didn’t get to act on her desires. Since he had caught them she would never get away with it. So the gun was left in the case. They had gotten away with it.

 The sound of his best friend’s loud shrill voice in the night and the memory of the coward she had married running away, kept replaying over and over in her head.  It was haunting her, it wouldn’t stop. So she ran away, finally stopping when she reached the ocean unable to run any further. Walking alone on the dark beach she wanted to die, even prayed for death to come. She was empty and numb, a mere shadow of her former self. Would she ever find herself again? Would the desire to live return? Could she be freed from her narcissistic addiction to that useless excuse of a man?

  Sadly, no she was obsessed with him. She went right back.  She returned to her miserable existence of living in his shadow, staying lost to herself, and wondering if the affair was truly over. But he had begun talking in his sleep about the other woman so she knew it wasn’t.

 This is a true story, of my former self. I was a lost woman who chose to live life in the direction of my choosing instead of God’s. What I didn’t tell you is that when I ran away people showed me God’s love over and over again. There was a preacher in a tatoo parlor who spoke words of encouragement to me and  my sister and sister-in-law were with me helping me along the way.  They tried to stop me from walking alone on that beach in fear that I would harm myself or someone else would harm me. But on that beach I reunited with God. I still made the wrong choices and returned to a bad marriage; but I learned something very valuable on that trip. Just because I tried to leave God; He never left me.

My friend eventually left that marriage and is now married to a believer who loves her more than himself. She is a woman who does not take for granted all God has done in her life and shares His love and grace with other women every opportunity she gets. Amen and praise to our Father who is faithful all the time.

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  1. I think the moral of this story is how important it is for people to be purposeful in the lives of their friends. How many people could be pulled back from the brink if we were more attentive to the needs of others, and sensitive yet purposeful in our efforts to help those we’re closest to.
    My best friend did this for me several years ago, which prepared me to return the favor a year later when he went through the same thing.

    • You are so right Todd.This story is heartbreaking for me to know my friend almost went too far because of her pain. I’m thankful she’s where she belongs now. Thanks for your comment.

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