God’s Grace In My Great Loss by Kristina Haury


Today I hope you will welcome with open arms my beautiful friend Kristina Haury. I say beautiful because she is, inside and out. God has shown His amazing grace in and through her life and she shares about it boldly and brightly. I can’t wait for you to read about this part of her story. I heard her testimony years ago and thought then that it was one of the best I had ever heard. Go ahead get your tissue, coffee and be prepared to be blessed and thankful for this woman and her God.

A phone call changed my entire world.  I secretly hoped for this call for 20 years but never expected to receive it.  My heart almost beat out of my chest when I heard her say “hello”.

It was a Saturday night in June. I was relaxing in bed watching television, fully aware that I was a New Woman – recently set free by the power of God’s Holy Word.  More specifically, by His Truth as spoken by a six-winged seraph in Isaiah, Chapter 6 and verse 7.  Words that I had read before, but did not grasp until just weeks earlier when God broke the shackles of guilt and shame I had carried for 20 years.

But prior to that sweet revelation from the Lord I was certain I was the worst of sinners. I walked with my head down in shame through my life.  Being a Christian since I was nine I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had “fire insurance.”  But surely my willful and deliberate sins resulting in heartache and pain had put me at the end of God’s line of Favor.  He had to love the “good” people more than me.

I was a promiscuous teen and was angry at God for the fact that my Daddy chose not to be a part of my life.  I desperately wanted attention from boys and now know it was a feeble attempt to fill the Daddy Void in my life. And I wanted God to know it. So I turned my back on all I knew to be right and true, and behaved in a way that was completely opposite of who I was in Christ.

At 16, I found myself expecting a baby.  A baby!  I could not take care of myself, and now I was bringing a helpless, innocent child into the world.  For the first time in a long time, I stopped running from God – turned around – and faced Him.  I begged Him to hear my prayer for this child.  I wanted a better life for her than I could provide and I felt I was unfit to be a mother.

Our faithful God showed mercy on me, guiding me to make a choice.  The hardest choice I have ever had to make.  I look back on that decision now and wonder how I was able to do it.  How did my heart not literally break?

In my heart I was this child’s mother, and I loved her the instant I knew of her existence.  I loved her as I felt her grow and move inside me.  I loved carrying her and the bond that I had with my unborn child.  I loved her too much to keep her. My thoughts led me to believe she deserved much better than me.

If you are a mother, you know the power of love for your children.  Imagine what it would feel like if one of your children was taken away.  That’s what I felt on a cold January morning when a nurse took my beautiful baby girl from my arms as I sat in the hospital bed.

My daughter would call another woman “mommy”. 

I prayed desperately that she would be loved as much as I loved her.  That she would be the apple of her new daddy’s eye.  That she would always know I had done this because I loved her more than myself.

After realizing I could not live the remainder of my days crying, I decided to shore up all my tears for one day each year:  her birthday.  On that day I pulled the shades, locked the door, and grieved.  I prayed fervently for her and her parents.  I sobbed, wrote, and sobbed some more.

And through those years, God was drawing me to Himself.  He was showing me His grace over and over through the gifts of a wonderful husband (who’s birthday is the same as my daughter’s, and I began to celebrate on that day instead of mourning her loss) and three strong, healthy sons.  I believed He had forgiven most of my sins…but felt it was my duty to carry around my guilt.  I thought I needed to suffer each day for the pain I had inflicted not only on myself, but on my family.

To be continued Friday… don’t miss the conclusion of Kristina’s story.

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Comments

  1. Bree Beal says:

    Oh I can’t wait to read part 2 of this story. Very exciting.

Trackbacks

  1. […] Get out your tissue — she posts on Gracefull Women: God’s Grace in My Great Loss Part One and Part […]

  2. […] God’s Grace In My Great Loss by Kristina Haury (gracefullwomen.com) Share this:FacebookStumbleUponDiggEmailTwitterRedditPrintLinkedInPinterestLike this:LikeBe the first to like this post. This entry was posted on March 22, 2012, in Devotions and tagged A Deeper Walk With Holly, California, Facebook, God loves me and you, God speaks through others. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment […]

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